Theo’s Twit Of The Week: Warren Jeffs

This week’s Twit is a religious leader and all-round scumbag extraordinaire:

The unbelievably righteous and conceited Twit Warren Jeffs

Warren Jeffs

Author’s Note: After speaking with some people who read this before release, I’m beginning to think that Twit might not be a strong enough word to explain the hideous behavior of Warren Jeffs. So please, every time you see the word Twit in this article, kindly substitute it with filthy child rapist. Thank you.

Epic Twit Warren Jeffs is the leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints. This splinter sect of Mormons believes in polygamy and, to some extent, child molestation. This group has spread out over a few states in the U.S. and Canada, but has long been under the thumb of the Jeffs family. Massive Twit “Uncle” Rulon, father to Warren (and over sixty other children), ruled over the FLDS community with an iron fist. Upon Rulon’s death at age 92 the mantle of prophet-hood was passed on to his Twit son, Warren.

In 2006 Warren Jeffs was placed on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List for fleeing prosecution in Utah on charges related to his alleged arrangement of illegal marriages between adult male and underage female FLDS members. He was arrested in August of that year. While the charges in Utah ultimately did not stick (though there is word that Utah prosecutors want a retrial), Texas filed bigamy and sexual assault charges against him because of his involvement in the Yearning For Zion Ranch (which located just outside of Eldorado, Texas). Jeffs was extradited to Texas. Prosecutors there say they have proof that Jeffs had sexual relations with a 12-year-old and impregnated a 15-year-old who are residents at the compound. His first day of trial on the sexual assault charges was Thursday.

The first thing Jeffs did was promptly fire his lawyer. This is not new, nor is it shocking, as the Twit Jeffs has fired every attorney he has had in the past six months. Thursday’s dismissal marked the seventh barrister tossed overboard from the Twit’s defense team. This tactic, an obvious and childish method of forestalling the inevitable start of the trail, did not save Jeffs from the day’s proceedings. While the Twit pleaded incoherently for 30 minutes with the judge for time to work out a ”pure” defense, thankfully the Honorable Barbara Walther flatly told him no. The trial would proceed.

This must have been a major blow to the Twit’s sense of self-importance, as he has repeatedly vowed publically to his followers that he would never actually be tried by the court in Texas. His little ego was so bruised that he couldn’t bother to offer an opening statement.

He did, however, perk up when the prosecution spoke about the reams of evidence in their possession which show that the Twit was “celestially” married to a 12-year-old and a 15-year-old. Jeffs croaked out an objection and then went on an hour-long rant about the importance of plural marriage.

The hilarious part is that Jeffs is being charged with sexual assault, something that, in his whole rambling objection, he did not really address. He probably realizes that he cannot actually address that (as he is a Twit) and therefore wishes to turn the whole proceeding into a forum on the subject of plural marriage. He invoked the Constitution, the separation of Church and State, as if this was some backdoor validation for promoting and extolling the virtues of lording over his followers and forcing them into sexual relationships that, in some cases, either did not take into account mutual consent or involved girls too young to actually give consent.

The judge allowed the Twit’s rant because he had not given an opening statement, but it quickly became clear she would not subject the jury to much more of Jeff’s irrelevant and incoherent ramblings. After this diatribe Jeffs continually caused trouble, to the point where the judge ordered his microphone turned off on at least one occasion.

But the best part came after the lunch recess. The Twit stood up and said he wanted to make a statement. Judge Walther, already fed up with the antics of Jeffs, dismissed the jury, admonished the defendant that he must follow the rules of the court, then allowed him to speak.

This message was not from Jeffs, however. It was from “the Lord God in heaven.”

Evidently the Lord God in heaven was not at all pleased with the court proceedings. “I, the Lord God in heaven, call upon the court to now cease this prosecution against my pure and holy way coming against my church.”

Wait, it gets better. What good is the displeasure of God if it is not followed up by a threat of divine violence! “I shall let all peoples know of your unjust ways. I shall send a scourge upon the counties of prosecutorial zeal to be humbled by sickness and death.”

I guess it is okay to threaten the lives of court officers as long as God is doing it for you. After all, who would take a Twit seriously?